I Can Read

Fifty Shades of Grey - E.L. James

This book is HORSESHIT! Anastasia is one of the dumbest, stupidest fucking characters ever created in a book. I wanted to punch her in the face repeatedly with a stiletto. Christian? A total fucking dipshit with such severe issues he belongs with Lisbeth from Dragon Tattoo (another whackjob). The hype around this book is ridiculous and the book itself is awful.

Also? The author said “i wanted to make a “twilight” for adults.” Um, how about you fucking ripped off complete scenes from Twilight???

FINAL REVIEW

If you are in a sexless marriage and looking for kink, read it. If you are looking for a book with smart strong characters, good writing, a plot that goes somewhere and original material, stay away from this book. Far, far away. Like…move to Sweden far away.

The Help - Kathryn Stockett

Straight up, i loved this book. And even though i know this isnt a true story, this kind of fuckery did actually happen. I am white. This book made me hate white people. It also made me grateful that i did not grow up back then because those “chirrun” are now grown ass adults and they are the fucking monsters that are homophobic and racist and trying to rule this country while other assholes in the south cheer them on and thump their motherfucking bibles. Fuck em in the ass with those bibles.

FINAL REVIEW

Read it!!!!!!!!!!!! And fucking learn from it cuz on a different level, this shit still goes on. And if you live in the south, move the fuck out, you’re surrounded by lunatics. Dont believe me? Watch the next debate on tv.

The First Assistant - Clare Naylor and Mimi Hare

Apparently this book is a sequel but i had no idea. Its about Elizabeth Miller who has become the first assistant at her talent agency. Her first job is taking care of a Lindsay Lohan/Britney Spears starlet who would rather party than show up on time for a job. While Lizzy girl is trying to handle this, she’s also trying to get over a break up with her famous ex boyfriend and keep an annoying c-rag of a co-worker from stealing her job.

FINAL REVIEW

Another filler book/total beach read. I liked it though, made me laugh.

Shutter Island - Dennis Lehane

In 1954, US Marshall Teddy Daniels and his partner head to Shutter Island which is the home to Ashecliffe Hospital for the criminally insane. Although there is incredible security there, a murderess is loose on the island during a dangerous hurricane. While he is there he uncovers what seems to be government cover-ups and unusual experimentations on its patients. Nothing is what it seems there and the book had me turning page after page, dying to know what comes next.

FINAL REVIEW

LOVED this book! I did not see what happens coming at all. Buy this book!

Speak Softly, She Can Hear - Pam Lewis

In 1965 two bff’s from a prep school in NYC, Carole and Naomi, make a pact to lose their virginity before they graduate. They find Eddie, a friend of Naomi, who is willing to help them. So one weekend they sneak off to a cabin in Vermont to make this shit happen. Eddie throws in a surprise, however, and Caroles life is changed forever.

Let me say, the plot of this interested me. Then i read it. Carole is a fucking idiot. I HATED her. The whole time i was reading it, i wanted to shove a pipe down her throat and fill it with fire-ants. All i kept thinking was “what a dumb bitch! say something!!!!!!!” My whole issue with the story was, although what happens in that cabin is awful, it wasnt so awful that if fat-ass Carole opened her mouth, things wouldve been bad for her. Carole is like that fat girl that everyone knows, the one who complains how she’s fat while eating chili-cheese fries. And the ending was tied up in a stupid and convenient way that just screamed “i had no idea how to end this cluster-fuck so here it is”. Fuck Carole. And fuck this book.

FINAL REVIEW

Carole, and this book, should be set on fire and then pissed on.

Good Little Wives - Abby Drake

Another chick lit filler book. This one takes place in New Falls, NY and has a murder mystery thrown into it. Same story: rich, hard working, hardly there husbands support the shopping and surgery habits of self-entitled women. This book actually shows a little more of the “happy on the outside” facades the women put up. Quick read, and of course, the one character that you want to punch in the face. With a shit-covered brick.

FINAL REVIEW

Another guilty pleasure, no real thinking going on here.

The Secret Lives of Fortunate Wives - Sarah Strohmeyer

Claire, a down to earth chick, meets a great guy and gets married and then moves with him to his hometown of Hunting Hills, Ohio where the community is straight out of Real Housewives of the OC. The women are all vapid and materialistic and care about nothing more than appearance. Its pretty funny and there are lots of “this is ridiculous but it goes on in real life” moments. Not a big fan of chick lit but this def kept me reading.

FINAL REVIEW

Another filler book but worth the read. More of a guilty pleasure book.

Don’t Say a Word - Barbara Freethy

Julie is planning a wedding when she comes across a famous picture of a little girl that looks just like her. The little girl is behind a gate and is an orphan, but Julia isnt adopted. She is convinced its her though. So she sets off trying to find the girl in the photograph and finds out that her life isnt what she thought it was.

FINAL REVIEW

I actually really liked it, it wasnt as stupid as a lot of mystery books are.

The Disappearance - Bentley Little

First of all, I need to start by saying the main characters are college kids with the names Gary and Joan. Gary and Joan? The book was printed in 2010, not 1979, so those names are fucking awful.

Ok, so this book starts out with 4 friends going to Burning Man to get away from UCLA for a little while. They go and have a great time but when they wake up the next morning, Joan is gone! Oh noes!!! They tell the cops who dont care. So they go back to school and find out everything about Joan has been erased, from her school records to her roommate. A visit to her parents house reveals nothing but an empty house and a dead dog. BUT….they do find weird scrolls with creepy sayings/warnings about “The Outsiders”. At first i thought “why would anyone be afraid of Pony Boy and Dally?” But then i realized the outsiders meant something else. Whatevs.

FINAL REVIEW

The book dragged for a bit and it got really frustrating. It was eh.

Milkrun - Sarah Mylnowski

Meh. Typical chick-lit. When i started reading this i genuinely thought it was another self-published/free with your order of deep-fried twinkies type book. Girl gets dumped, girl goes crazy, girl meets new boy, old boy comes back, girl has a decision to make. BTW, the definition of a milkrun is on the back of the book. If you need to explain the fucking title on the back of your book, you are a fucking idiot.

FINAL REVIEW

Forced myself to read this one all the way through.